It’s week eight of The Apprentice, and what have we learnt so far? That nobody knows what kosher means (but a ‘holy man’ might be involved), that the people of Guildford pay too much for their soup, that attempting to bribe a Moroccan tennis-racket stringer never pays, and nobody, but nobody understands how percentages work.

Admittedly, it’s irony only by the Alanis Morissette school: a black fly in your chardonnay, rain on your wedding day, a Slater sister becomes a superhero. But there it is: Michelle Ryan, formerly of Eastenders, has hit the big time in America playing the title role in the new series of Bionic Woman. The show has received record-breaking ratings in the States, and the first season is out to own on DVD in the UK this week – if you don’t win one on the Arena website…

How likely are you to be kidnapped in Britain? How about if you travel on business? We strapped Tony Teasdale into a chair and shone a torch into his eyes until he came up with the answers.

I’m of the unpopular opinion that the the Cadbury’s drumming gorilla advert was rubbish. Man in ape suit sits about for a full minute, apparently ‘in the zone’, drums thirty second opening bars to early ’80s hit. Fade to title. Hardly worth 1,000 tribute videos on YouTube and an advert of the year award, is it?

Do you remember that German guy who answered an ad for a young man who wanted to be eaten, and then ate his own fried cock before being finished off? And then there was that whole legal battle because the guy who did it said it was euthanasia, not murder? Kerry Katona reminded me of him today.

Consequences is never a game I enjoy. This is predominantly because it’s only come up as a possible activity at quite the direst parties I’ve ever attended (and quite frankly, on those occasions the only consequence I was interested in was a liquor-induced stupor), but also because the end product is so completely undesirable, particularly given the time and effort, and boring pen and paper finding that goes into it.

It’s our biggest-ever giveaway, and your chance to see some of the world’s best acts play live. No amount of rain can dampen our enthusiasm: enter now and you could win a pair of tickets to one of the SEVEN best festivals of 2008. We’ve got tickets for events throughout the summer and across the UK. So just pick your line-up…