Bands for sale

There has been a frisson of discontent since the the news that Paulo Nutini will be united with shoe manufacturer Puma, thanks to a new division of Warner Music International responsible for identifying and promoting corporate tie-ins with artists. Obviously, this is part of the recording industry’s latest attempt to stop its arse falling out. And it promises to provide hilarious viewing for anyone who wishes to witness the sweet, sweet justice of an industry who over-charged the public for decades (oh how the next generation will LOL about us paying £17 for one lousy album) now reduced to scrabbling around in the dirt for loose change.

Any anger that might be directed at Nutini is entirely misplaced (as an aside, am I the only one who says “Nutini” in a Star Wars Jawa style?). Disappointingly though, it turns out the word is “Utinni”. The confluence between musicians and commerce is as old as the twelve bar blues itself. Legend has it that Robert Johnson sold his soul for the ability to play guitar and subsequent generations of musicians have simply followed his lead. Just ask Ray Charles.

In the spirit of pushing back the boundaries of collaboration between artists and companies, here are some suggested ideas about potential tie-ins that the marketing men and women might like to act on. We’d ask for 5% of any monies generated from using these ideas, but frankly we have higher artistic standards, so you can stick your filthy money where the sun don’t shine, such as inside the tip jar that you’ll find on the super-clean counters of one of the many branches of the excellent Starbucks coffee chain.

James Blunt and Bernard Matthews
You may have worked hard to suppress the memory, but James Blunt had a song out a while ago called You’re Beautiful. If you don’t remember, it went: “Da da dad ad daa da You’re Beautiful” for 34 minutes and was the most requested track ever on Topshop Radio. Under this proposed new artist relationship James would re-record the song using a distinctive Norfolk accent, so that it sounds like he’s singing “You’re Bootiful”, which clever readers will remember used to be the catchphrase of turkey farmer par excellence Bernard Matthews. However, to really take this relationship to the next level James will also be injected with the human form of avian flu, which is a massive concern for the turkey farming industry as a whole. On a harrowing blog, James will then document his death and his growing empathy for the plight of turkeys around the world, whilst singing the new version of the song in various states of undress.

Britney Spears and Luton Borough Council
After shaving her hair off, breeding with gentlemen of questionable quality and having a very public nervous breakdown broadcast by the paparazzi, it seems like a curiously natural next step for the Princess of Pop to spearhead a campaign to promote Luton Borough Council. A spokesman for Luton Borough Council said they would be happy for Britney to be the new face of a Visit Luton campaign and points out that with easy access to the Chilterns and one of the best public golf courses in the UK, Luton makes a fine place to come and relax. The new arrangement would see Britney relocate to Luton full-time. There she would live in harmony, enjoying the benefits of local attractions such as the Mossman Carriage Collection. To further promote the move Britney would have the word Luton tattooed on her children.

P Diddy Twinned With Any Burlap Bag Manufacturer
One of the key marketing challenges for any manufacturer of burlap bags is the necessity of communicating to their customers just how strong the bags are. Understandably, customers sometimes feel that burlap will not give the same kind of durability that the newer polypropylene bags bring. What better way to get this message across than to place P Diddy (Sean Combs) into a standard burlap bag? Once in the burlap bag, Diddy will undertake a global tour and be prominently displayed at the landmarks of central cities around the world where he will attract an audience by singing tracks from his new album Press Play. Audience members will then be urged to beat the besacked Diddy with branded Diddy/Burlap sticks and marvel at the often under-appreciated strength of burlap.