Viva La Stupid Album Title

Coldplay have announced the tracklisting for their fourth studio album Viva La Vida (or to give it its full title, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends) which is out to buy at all good record shops on 16 June. There’s 10 tracks in all, and let’s make it quite clear, I haven’t heard any of them. Not so much as a crackly snatched two minutes downloaded off an illegal MP3 website. Nor have I heard the four-piece do one of those tedious “live lounge” Radio One sessions in which they showcase their new material. Still that hasn’t stopped me predicting just what this new album will sound like. I reckon they’re going to sound something like this….

Life In Technicolour
Plinky plonky piano leads into singer Chris Martin asking the question: “Just why is my life and pictures of my daughter plastered all over the pages of Heat magazine?” Struggling to rhyme litigation with anything other that station, the song tails off after the first verse.

Cemeteries Of London
Plinky plonky piano accompanied by a guitar riff which sounds uncannily like the keyboards from Kraftwerk’s Tour De France. Chris then lists his favourite gloomy places where you’re best off listening to Coldplay songs in the nation’s capital (includes odes to “Highgate” and “Kensal Green”)

Lost!
Plinky plonky piano plays faintly as Chris and guitarist Jonny Buckland argue over what exactly Season Four is actually about – who were the Oceanic Six, what happened to them and why Hurley hasn’t died of a massive coronary from being so fat.

42
Pinky plonky piano is accompanied by slap bass as Guy Berryman teams up with Level 42’s Mark King. Fans will say this sounds a bit like The Scientist… but a “shit version”.

Lovers In Japan/Reign Of Love
A sombre plinky plonky piano is accompanied by an ichigenkin (a one-string Zither) which Buckland learnt to play while on their successful 2005 World Tour. Chris sings in Japanese of his charity work. Rumoured to be the first single for the Asian market.

Yes
Plinky plonky piano is simply accompanied by a list of people who didn’t say “tick the yes box” on Chris’ sponsor form for the half marathon in aid of Oxfams Make Trade Fair campaign (rumours that the CD’s sleevenotes come with addresses for these tight-fisted people where you can send your hate mail are, at the moment, unsubstantiated).

Viva La Vida
Jolly plinky plonky piano seems strangely out of place in a song about Chris favourite Frida Kahlo painting. The song reaches an uplifting crescendo with Chris screaming “Monobrow, monobrow… in the car crash, the metal pole went straight through your monobrow!” Listen carefully once the song finishes for producer Brian Eno repeatedly banging his head against the mixing desk.

Violet Hill
Plinky plonky piano and “distorted guitar riffs” see Chris trying out a new vocal style, gone is the irritating falsetto whine as he opts for a Johnny Cash style gravelly moan (apparently Gwynnie allowed him to smoke 20 fags a day to achieve this new style – but he could only smoke them in the conservatory and if he promised to nip out and buy fresh aduki beans from Organics Avenue)

Strawberry Swing
Pinkly plonky piano set to a hip-hop beat Chris is joined by his best pal Jay-Z who bangs on about the band’s education on “da street” (well, Gower Street, the home of London’s University College where the band met).

Death And All His Friends
Plinky plonky piano for 14 fucking minutes. Backing vocals by a smug Ricky Gervais and Simon Pegg.