iEtiquette

Following news that O2 and the Carphone Warehouse have reduced the price of the iPhone to £169, Tony Teasdale offers some words of wisdom on how to use one. And how not to.

Answering the phone
Do: Take the phone out of your pocket/bag with minimal fuss and answer it with a simple ‘hello’
Don’t: Imagine yourself as the star of some horrendous mobile phone advert (obscure folk song as background music), in which you wander the streets of your town telling everybody how wonderful “the Google Maps app is on this baby”

Text messaging
Do: Use the touch screen keyboard, quietly appreciating its QWERTY convenience
Don’t: Programme your phone to make the sound of a typewriter whenever you use the keypad so everyone stares at you

Taking a picture
Do: Get the device out and take a photo. Simple as that
Don’t: Pretend to be David Bailey circa 1965, take your girlfriend to Hyde Park and make like it’s swinging London, shouting, “I’ll upload these onto Flickr later using my wi-fi connection on my new – though not that new, mine was bought in the States – iPhone”.

Using the media player
Do: Have a quick laugh at YouTube videos while waiting for the bus to come
Don’t: Project a film of yourself using the scroll bar tool on your iPhone (title: Me. My Phone. My Life) onto a 60’ x 30’ screen in the middle of Spaghetti Junction, making sure that your performance is captured by every major news agency

Ringing your friends
Do: Find them in Contacts. Press ‘ring’
Don’t: Stop in the middle of Oxford St, get out and your phone and then shout into the mouthpiece: “Steve! It’s me, yeah, how are you guys at Apple? What? You want me to ‘sound design’ some new drill ‘n’ bass/dubstep themes for your next US-only ad campaign. Sure! Let’s do sushi. Must dash, got to get some face time with Gatesy. Boy, will he be pissed when I tell him I’m going to swerve that new consultation gig on the Zune. Peace.”