Free the CBBC one
Arena readers will no doubt be extending considerable sympathy to the kids’ TV presenter Mark Speight. The guy that got arrested for murder after his girlfriend took too much gak.
There but for the grace of God go we. All-night coke/MDMA/ketamine/GHB sessions are a regular, almost cosy, past-time for metropolitan couples. We raid the ‘couple centric’ sex shops, take a swanky repast, manhandle each other in the cab home then get stuck in. The intimate kinky sex is one thing, the added ability to open up to each other – not as straightforward as it sounds for couples circling like tigers in the run-up to marriage – equally appreciated. It’s arguably about the best thing we find to do with our time.
To find your paramour dead in the bath at the end of said sesh is, as the tabloids adroitly put it, ‘a total nightmare’. Getting collared for ‘killing’ her on top would presumably be dubbed ‘a total fucking nightmare.’
I was talking to a chap who’d been in a similar situation, not so widely reported of course, last year. He didn’t want to talk about it too much, but what he did say was; “How many times have you been out with a girl, and she’s really out of it, and you have to save her from getting run over, falling over, getting into a fight and hurting herself? Then the minute your back’s turned, she dies. And you get the blame – because you’re the man.”
Out-of-it women are near-impossible to control. Only the most altruistic souls even bother keeping an eye on them, and they look like fools and/or perverts doing it. Girlfriends are even worse; in that sort of state they react to discipline like a cross between a maladjusted toddler and O out of The Story Of O. One piece of gentle restraint they rarely react sympathetically to is, “Are you sure you need another line, sweetheart?” Maybe he did bump her off seeing as he actually had the perfect alibi: “She just couldn’t get enough beak, officer.” An open and shut case.
Equally archaic is the supposition that Speight “supplied the drugs”. Anyone on the ground knows that women are total coke fiends, far worse than men (this has actually been scientifically proven, but another time). By ‘supplied the drugs’ I presume Speight’s accusers mean ‘he did all the hanging around a street corner because she couldn’t be bothered to do anything quite so tedious on a day off.’
So next time you see Speight scowling out from behind his obligatory kids’ TV presenter spiky hair, say a prayer for your decadent metropolitan brother. And tack on the end a request not to let it happen to you.
STEVE BEALE
We are listening to CSS
What an ironic, metropolitan and thoroughly idiotic article. Congratulations on a new low.
Comment by Peter Gasston — 8/01/08
Dear Peter,
Are you on the wrong website? Flippancy and city life are trademarks of this blog.
Honest to God I don’t mind that you think my speil is ‘metropolitan’ or ‘idiotic’. I have never been Thomas Hardy. But the charge of being ‘ironic’ does sting. There is no humour or double meaning here - I sincerely feel sorry for Mark Speight over the assumption that the death of his girlfriend after a cocaine binge is somehow ‘his fault’. Moreover, it points to the wider issue of continuing double standards over equality - which I presume is a fitting subject for a men’s magazine.
As Margret Thatcher said, “I’m enjoying this”. Anyone else want to have a pop, like maybe over the Transsexuals or the man-boobs?
Comment by Steve Beale — 8/01/08
Lol Peter..stop being a lil bitch
Comment by nabz_ynwa — 9/01/08
“the added ability to open up to each other – not as straightforward as it sounds for couples circling like tigers in the run-up to marriage – equally appreciated. It’s arguably about the best thing we find to do with our time.”
Unrelated to the article (which I agree with entirely) but if it’s common amongst Arena and friends that the above can only be managed with a large quantity of drugs then next month’s issue should include an article about how the modern male and female can pull their heads out of their arses and get a grip.
Comment by Alex — 9/01/08
I always found Mark Speight rather sinister to be honest - a cross between Max Headroom and the T1000 from Terminator 2. Quite why he is (or possibly ‘was’) a kids TV entertainer is beyond me.
I do agree with the ‘Out-of-it women are near-impossible to control’ quote - that made me laugh anway…
Comment by Jody T — 9/01/08
He did seem quite creepy to be a children’s presenter - though the creepiest still goes to Timmy Mallett ( I still have nightmares ) - but it must be a hard time for him with a dead druggie girlfriend, the cops thinking he’s the reason she died and the fact that he’s probably kissed goodbye to his children’s TV contract. Suppose it could be worse, he could be either Britney or Jamie Lynn Spears.
Comment by radio_menthol — 9/01/08
JodyT and radio_menthol, will you please have a fucking word with yourselves! ‘I always found Mark Speight rather sinister to be honest’ and ‘He did seem quite creepy’ Well fuck me! he must have done it, why don’t we just hang him now!!
You sound like those fuckwits that appear on some local inbred news item, where they speak to the neighbours of someone who has just had a body dug out of their back garden. I bet you’re the type of people that read (or probably just looks at the pictures) of a red top tabliod, see a police mugshot of someone that they are questioning for a murder and say something moronic like ‘look at his eye’s, you can just see the evil in them’.
I’m the most non violent person you could meet, but if you have me intensivly questioned for 12hours by the cops, deprive me of sleep, then take a photo of me in some badly lit room holding a sign with my name and number on and then print my image below some sensationalist headline, of course I’m going to look like some mass murdering serial repist nonce.
Rant over.
My sympathy goes out to the guy, I’ve been there, fortunately it didn’t end as badly for me, but I promise you, its not a nice place.
Comment by smnwllms — 11/01/08
My comment was a (as they usually are) sarky, facetious and slightly leftfield one about the guys appearance - I’m not convicting him by way of his looks.
Anyone with any sense can see that him and his missus were having a bit of a wild night in that went wrong - ‘An open and shut case’ to quote Steve Beale. I’ve never really touched the stuff because it doesn’t interest me so I can’t say that ‘I have been there’. As much as I enjoy reading about metropolitan types spending their evening screwing £5000 a night escorts out of their minds on uncut coke and Cristal Champagne - the reality is that most blokes prefer to stay in with a cup of tea and watch a WWII doc on The History channel. He has, albeit unfortunately fallen on his own sword.
He is still sinister looking whatever you say.
Comment by Jody T — 11/01/08
Fairenoughski JT
Comment by smnwllms — 12/01/08
Some good points there. Why should the man be expected to act like a nanny when they’re out with a woman? What happened to equality?
If you’ve ever tried to tell a woman that they’ve had too much drink/gak and are acting the giddy goat, then they turn on you like a mid-90s pit bull.
And Steve? Can you write some feature for the mag please? As Michael Caine in Alfie said, it’s got a bit poncified recently. It’s also lost its sense of humour since you, Quirk and Bell stopped writing.
Comment by FLETCH — 20/01/08
Boo hoo. Two more dead druggies. Good riddance. I think London pricks like you Steve might be surprised by how many people actually aren’t interested in ‘all night coke/MDMA/ketamine/GHB sessions.’
Some of us have actually managed to grow up and don’t need to force chemicals into our faces o
to have a ‘fun’ time. My anti-drug is wankers like you.
Comment by waffle — 13/04/08
well done “smnwllms” saying that we should hang him now. Mark Speight has been found dead from hanging and was found innocent of his gfs death.
think about things before you say them cuz they might just happen
Comment by sophii — 14/04/08
We’re approving this comment (above), but to be fair, smnwllms does seem to have been sticking up for Speight.
Comment by Arena — 14/04/08