French lessons
In the spirit of entente formidable fostered during Nicolas and Carla Sarkozy’s state visit to Britain, Arena felt it timely to celebrate all things Gallic. For, let’s be honest, there are many things le French do better than us (football, political wives and shrugging are taken as read, obviously). Like these five, for hors d’oeuvres…
1. Telly
Sure, their Saturday evenings consist mainly of unintelligible panel games made for the benefit of an audience made up of overweight 2CV drivers in Toulouse. However, post midnight, it’s hardcore porn – even on terrestial telly. Which certainly makes checking out at boutique hotels easier the morning after.
2. Cigarettes
French fags do not mess about. Gauloises and Gitanes not only have boss packets, but one quick puff of these babies and you’ll get first hand experience of France’s legendarily good health service. What’s ‘iron lung’ in French?
3. Dogs
When we were kids, all French dogs had rabies. To this day, a growl off un chien Française is enough to send your average Brit hurtling for the safety of his Mondeo. If they’d got together a rag tag army of Jacque Russells and Alsaciens instead of wasting their time building the Maginot Line, they’d have never have been bothered by the Germans.
4. Supermarkets
Your average British NIMBY gets their knickers in a twist over a Tesco Metro (well, until it’s opened and they need a pint of milk). Imagine what they’d be like with a Mammouth or Carrefour on their doorstep. Whole cities can fit into the outside furniture section of these monsters alone.
5. Bangers
Them ones with the tiger on the front of the pack justify a trip to Boulogne on their own.
However, it’s not all one-way traffic (unless the French lorry drivers are on strike again). For there are some things that Johnny Frenchman is not quite as good at as he’d like to think. Here are five…
1. Food
The French, get this, eat… snails. SNAILS! Have they not heard of Pot Noodle or Micro Chips? It must be crap being eight in France.
2. Quality of post-pub fighting
“Oh no, Pierre’s had too many Paul Ricards. Watch yourself, he’s about to get leery with the babyfoot table.” Get a grip.
3. Clothes
“Oh, but French people are so stylish.” I’m sorry, but have you been to Calais or Dieppe? If your idea of trendy is a pair of blue overalls and a bushy moustache then yeah, they’re cool. There are mechanics in Grimsby better dressed than your average Frenchman.
4. Women
British women are routinely castigated for being drunken harlots with no morals. And? Rather that than some ultra-sophisticated Parisienne with a Chanel account, underarm hair and a fondness for sleeping pill sandwiches.
5. Music
If they’re French and any good we’ll get on to them years before they do (see Air and Daft Punk). Meanwhile on Radio Garlic it’s Johnny Hallyday and MC Solaar.
What do you reckon? What else do the French do better than us? And where do the Brits have the upper hand?
We are listening to CSS
It’s a disgrace that you think their sausages are anything like comparable to ours! And what do dogs matter? You also ommitted the Great British Pint, real ale, rugby…
Comment by CONTRABAND — 3/04/08
It pains me to correct CONTRABAND but I believe Anthony Teasdale was refering to Bangers of the ‘ light and lob through inocent victims letterboxes ‘ variety and not sausages! The only sausage in Europe you could consider in a sausage show down with the Great British Banger would be the Spanish Chorizo but that is a whole new article to come I am sure…
Comment by NbabyDXB — 7/04/08
Ah, bangers were the choice du jour for what to aim to bring back from the year 6 trip to Calais; I didn’t go myself, and none were ever detonated in the playground, so I can’t vouch for the effectiveness of the 10 year old smuggler, only their world knowledge and intent.
Comment by Benjamin Knight — 8/04/08
No one does wine better than the French. But they make their labels so confusing and keep all the good stuff for themselves in France that it is not always easy to get access to the best value stuff. For that reason Gourmet Touring (www.gourmet-touring.com) have launched their own wine itinerary in Bordeaux which helps you get your head (and naturally your lips too!) around French wine. What’s more you get to swan around in an open-topped sports car. No not a French one! EIther Italian, German or BRITISH! (An E-Type Jag no less). Cars are one thing that the French don’t do well!
Comment by John Mears — 9/04/08
On a school trip to the Normandy Landing Beaches in 1989 I discovered three excellent things about the French.
1. They will sell you cans of beer despite the fact you’re 14.
2. They will happily let you buy hardcore bongo mags and even give you a free copy of L’Equippe to hide them in.
3. They will also sell you enough rockets and bangers to recreate the Normandy landings.
So we drunkenly created the Normandy landings (like a Be Kind Rewind version of Saving Private Ryan) and were banned from all future school trips, both domestic and overseas.
Top mags though.
Comment by Matt — 14/04/08