House of pain

Day 4,861 and Big Brother is still on my telly. Now in series nine, and with no signs of stopping, the question is, who’s still watching it?

This year’s series has brought with it the inevitable string of sister shows: Big Brother’s Little Brother, Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Big Brother: Diary Room Uncut, Big Brother Live, Big Brother: Shoot Me Now. But on top of these we also have Big Brother Radio, Big Brother online and Big Brother mobile phone alerts, just in case you find yourself away from your television for a few seconds and miss something vitally important.

In the beginning when there was one show a day, I was a fan of Big Brother. I liked the social experiment element of it. What happens when you stick 12 strangers in confinement with limited food supplies? Will it end in a bloodbath, the likes of which have only been glimpsed at in Lord Of The Flies?

Even up to season four, I felt it was still a credible programme - how will the contestants react not only to a mean Big Brother, but also to a segregated society where one group are rewarded whilst the others are punished?

Then it all went a bit silly, didn’t it? To be a contestant you had to be either sociopathic, stupid or a combination of both. Channel 4 production teams dreamt up more and more ludicrous interiors for the house the programmers came up with more and more ridiculous ways to try and keep things interesting: spontaneous evictions, actors posing as housemates, challenges that involve rotting animal insides.

Christ, and none of that is exaggeration. Can Channel 4 really still claim this programme is all in the name of social science and not cheap programming for a third of the year?

Two summers ago it was vaguely bearable. Big Brother came with a cheeky dollop of Russell Brand, but alas, no more. This year, a girl and boy of approximately 15 with ridiculous hair and unappealing clothes have been given the wheel of the BB train (OK, so Brand had ridiculous hair and unappealing clothes too, but at least he made me laugh).

The programme-makers seem to be evicting people left, right and centre because they’re shitting themselves over another possible Shilpa Shetty debacle and all the while the public are bored to tears. For evidence of this, look no further than the ratings. Television viewing figures recorded that BB viewers have been dropping like flies since 2006 and are continuing to, with a mere 3 million people tuning into the live launch when compared with last year’s 3.8 million.

Even my most hardcore, BB devout friends have avoided the programme altogether this year, having tired of the same line-up of one-dimentional, vacuous reality ‘stars’.

I think what it all boils down to is that I just don’t care any more and I firmly believe no one else really does either. The summer is for having fun, not lounging about like a bloated vegetable while some people in a box shout obscenities at each other.

Channel 4 is renowned for cutting edge documentaries, gripping films and fantastic comedy. Do us a favour Mr Duncan - you know it’s always a wet summer so give us something with some content to watch.

Kristina Heaney