Jerome Kerviel’s HR interview

Present:
JK - Jerome Kerviel
JKM - Jerome Kerviel’s mother
DB - Daniel Bouton - CEO Societe Generale Group
HRM: Human Resources Manager

DB: Mr Kerviel, thanks for attending today.
JK: No worries.
DB: Yes. Now, I believe you received a letter from HR earlier this week asking you to come here. There were a few things we had to discuss but the primary focus of today’s meeting would be a rather urgent discussion of your recent performance within the company. Namely, the elements of your recent performance which lost the bank £3.7bn.
JK: Yep.
DB: The letter stated that you could have an employee or union representative with you at the meeting. You asked for your mother to be present.
JKM: He’s a good boy.
DB: Yes, well, we might have to quibble over that point of view Madame Kerviel.
JK: Could I have a glass of water?
DB: Please, help yourself.
JK: Have you got fizzy?
DB: Fizzy? I don’t know. Do we have fizzy?
HRM: I could get some.
JK: Would you?
JKM: He likes fizzy best.
DB: Yes, get him some.
JK: It’s the bubbles.

DB: Right. Now, Mr Kerviel. Let me start proceedings by saying that losing the bank £3.7bn does rather qualify as what we would call gross misconduct. Actually, to be entirely accurate the ceiling for gross misconduct is unauthorised losses of £10. Your actions exceed this ceiling by £3,699,999,990. We have therefore taken the step of qualifying your actions as gross, gross, gross, gross misconduct.
HRM: One fizzy water.
JK: Ahhhhh!
DB: So, in keeping with this the recommended course of action to me in accordance with Societe Generale’s employment policy is to fire you. Then hire you again. Then fire you again. And we have to repeat that process thirty-eight times in total. Consequently, there’s rather a lot of paperwork for us to complete today and I’d appreciate it therefore if we could make this meeting as short as possible. So, do you or your representative have anything you’d like to raise in regard to this matter?
JK: Well…
JKM: Go on, tell him.
JK: Alright! Well, it didn’t say anything about what I did in the employee handbook. Nor on my induction. They just said, there’s your chair, the shitter’s down the hall, don’t bother with the coffee machine.
DB: Yes, well I can see the point you’re trying to make but I’d like to make it clear that the employee handbook would not, nor should not, be considered an exhaustive list of behaviours and actions that are forbidden. At no point, for instance, does the employee handbook state that you shouldn’t perpetrate genocide in the employee lounge, or use the walls of reception to daub dirty protests about your line manager but, take it from me, Societe Generale does not consider these appropriate employee actions. So, I’m afraid that the decision to terminate your contract remains.
JKM: What if he pays it back?
JK: Muuuuum!
JKM: Well, you could. You’ve got your money from the lawns. You could start doing your dad’s car. You could give them back, what? A pound a week?
DB: And under your proposal of repaying the debt at a pound a week Mrs Kerviel, how long would that take to repay?
JM: Three months?
JKM: Course it’s not three months Jerome. Sorry, maths was never his strong point. Let’s see: a pound a week, £3.7bn, divide it, carry the one…
DB: It would take 3.7bn weeks, Mrs Kerviel. Under a repayment schedule of one pound a week, a debt of £3.7bn would take 3.7 billion weeks to repay.
JKM: Could we negotiate a settlement?
DB: A settlement?
JKM: Yeah, you know. Jerome will leave with no fuss or bother if he gets his notice period and a good reference?
JK: And some fizzy.
JKM: So it’s his full notice period, a good reference and some fizzy water. What do you say?
DB: £3.7bn is rather a lot of money Mrs Kerviel.
JKM: OK, no notice but a good reference and some fizzy water. What do you say?
DB: I’m not sure if you’ve seen any of the coverage that your son’s loss of £3.7bn has attracted Mrs Kerviel, but I suspect that it would have to be an exceptionally good reference to persuade an employer to overlook the fact that in a previous role he lost £3.7bn.
JM: What about the fizzy?
DB: Have you got much left in that glass?
JM: A mouthful.
DB: You can have that.
JM: Result! I’ve got a mouthful of fizzy and I’m ready to take on the world!