Monumental success

If you saw the horrific BBC documentary about sculptures last year, you’ll know that, far from being pieces of art to enjoy, statues are actually murderous hell-beasts which need to be watched with constant vigilance, or else they’ll smash our brains out.

The deathly creed of statues was underlined last week when I heard in a pub someone saying that under the wrong conditions, Manchester sculpture The B of the Bang could one day fall off its mountings and roll up and down Market Street skewering wayward Mancunians like so many KitKat wrappers.

Despite this, the popularity of sculpture seems to be on the rise. News today suggests that soon Andy Scott’s Kelpies (below) will join Antony Gormley’s Angel of the North as a humungous artistic statement of a particular area.

To that end, we’ve been thinking up some more sculptures we’d like to see bringing interest to other UK municipalities.

Who Put The Cunt In Scunthorpe? For the longest time, Scunthorpe’s primary place in mankind’s consciousness has been as that place which has the word cunt in it. Valiantly taking this concept head-on, we propose a 7,000 foot sculpture of Michael Winner rearing up over the town. Cast out of old bread, the statue would show the Sunday Times food critic whinnying with displeasure.

She’s Got The Whole of Luton In Her Hands Continuing her long-standing love affair with Luton, this innovative new public art work would see the home of the University of Bedfordshire dug up and placed in the hands of an Animatronic sculpture of waning pop-princess Britney Spears (not actual size). Every Wednesday, Spears would lift Luton into the air and hold it triumphantly above her head, raising both money and awareness for mental health issues.

Philip Larkin Coventry Funtime Army When first confronted with the notion of Coventry, most people’s instant reaction would be of a relatively downbeat Midlands town. Not many people know that lugubrious wordsmith Philip Larkin was born and raised in Coventry, which is where the opportunity exists to up the fun quotient of Coventry. By April 2009 we want to see 12 million concrete Philip Larkin statues situated throughout the city - across roads, scrub land, flats, bedrooms, public conveniences, desks, foyers, milk floats and shopping centres. The kids will love the chance to play Spot The Larkin, as Dad enjoys the challenge of avoiding the army of poets across the A46! See if you can have your photo taken without a Larkin in the shot - you can’t, he’s everywhere!

Welcome To Manchester, Now Fuck Off Manchester isn’t a city that struggles for iconic images, whether it’s a picture of the famed nightclub The Hacienda, or a picture from a slightly different angle of the famed night club The Hacienda, Manchester is rich in images. However, as a piece of sculpture surely nothing sums up the North West better than Liam Gallagher’s outstretched hand giving some passing photographer the Vs. This is why we propose an inverted arch which would be formed by the Oasis frontman’s abusive digits. Placing this sweary greeting seven yards after the Welcome To Manchester sign will hopefully confuse tourists long enough into thinking that visiting Old Trafford is in some way entertaining or worthwhile.