Raef to win
It’s week eight of The Apprentice, and what have we learnt so far? That nobody knows what kosher means (but a ‘holy man’ might be involved), that the people of Guildford pay too much for their soup, that attempting to bribe a Moroccan tennis-racket stringer never pays, and nobody, but nobody understands how percentages work.
Oh, and that Sir Alan Sugar has designs on a range of Sorry Your Eleven-Year-Old Got Shot By A Hoodie greetings cards. For some reason.
The race to become Sir Al’s latest protégé gets more entertaining with each episode, reaching new heights last week with the double firing of Jenny, whose array of scarves made her look like the chief stewardess on Satan Airways, and Jennifer, the self-styled “best saleswoman in Europe”, who favoured a shade of lipstick made from the blood of orphans. Probably.
Now just eight candidates are left in the running, so Arena has ranked and rated the remaining would-be Apprentices, in order of competence and likeability. We’ll see you in the boardroom…
1 Raef
The floppy-haired fop has come a long way since the class war of the disastrous first task (“I get on with prince or pauper”), establishing himself as the chivalrous knight of The Apprentice house when he leapt to Sara’s defence during Lee’s sofa kangaroo court. The sight of him channelling Anthony Andrews in Brideshead Revisited during last week’s treat, sipping champagne on a lawn in a scarf, merely underlined Arena’s deeply-held conviction that, in the name of all that is civilised, Raef must win.
2 Lucinda
Despite giving the impression that she might be happier running a Hampstead flower shop called something like Petal Power, and her vast array of Pantone co-ordinated berets and pashminas, Lucinda has generally impressed with her all-round competence and niceness. (Don’t ask her to do your holiday snaps, though.) Ultimately, Sir Alan is never going to hire anybody who uses the phrase “skill sets”. Expect to hear the phrase “but with regret” shortly.
3 Sara
This year’s stealth candidate, the “international car saleswoman” has pretty much flown under the radar, surfacing only to showcase her impressive collection of diamante earrings during the photography task and organise a ropey Bollywood night. Needs, as they say on The Apprentice, to “step up to the plate” soon.
4 Claire
Following that early mauling by Sir Alan (“I’m sick-a lookin’ at-cha! Get back to the house!”), the self-styled “rottweiler” has emerged as a potential Badger and could go all the way. The candidate most likely to succeed Kerry Katona as the face of Iceland.
5 Helene
Helene. Or is it Helen? Helena? No one seems to know. The “businesswoman with balls” (raises eyebrow, Nick Hewer-style) is the sort of middle-management tyrant with all the credentials needed to be there at the final reckoning. Impressively, Helene/Helen/Helena claims to be a “global pricing leader”, and let’s face it, those price-guns can be tricky to operate.
6 Michael
“Yes, I am arrogant, but what are you going to do about it?” See this baseball bat? Work it out for yourself, matey.
7 Lee
“THAT’S what I’m talking about!” The sort of bloke who thinks the Lynx effect is real and prides himself on having a WKD side, Lee McQueen (“Lee McQueen is concerned!”) showed his true colours when he mercilessly bullied Sara for not being sacked, quite possibly because he was secretly in love with Kevin. The sooner this stubbled oaf has gone, the better.
8 Alex
He might have captured the fluttering hearts of the nation’s females, with his Hollyoaks looks and out-of-bed hair putty, but Arena soon got wise to this weasel. In the last few weeks, Alex has passed the buck more often than the head of quality control at the US Mint. Fortunately, the magnificent Margaret Mountford has cottoned on to his shameless fibbing, preening and stirring. The taxi awaits.
–ADDENDUM–
If you didn’t notice Margaret’s face when Lee said he was a world expert on selling women knickers, go on the BBC iPlayer and check it out immediately.
We are listening to White Lies
Raef is a legend! I want him to win too.
Mind you, have you ever heard someone explain very simple things in extremely, undeniably, I can use really long words to scare my fellow team mates, words?
Comment by adam — 15/05/08
This is already out of date (I had Sara pegged that high too though so I sympathise). Re: the others… Alex has a degree of competency to complement the ‘fibbing, preening and stirring’ attributes that you’ve reported here… and Lee was given a bum steer that led to his attack of Sara, although maybe that’s immaterial considering it’s venom, but they seemed to bury the hatchet in Morocco anyway. So numbers 5 to 8 should be entirely reversed in my opinion. The more sustained bullying has always been girl on girl. It’s agreed that there can only be one winner though.
Comment by Benjamin Knight — 15/05/08
Well… Alex managed to sell some dresses last night, but that was only because women fancy him. That was pretty much Alex’s perfect target audience, brides and mums, and he still managed to sell only about four. Apart from slagging off the rest of his team and chewing the insides of his cheeks, he has done nothing all series.
Comment by Emma — 15/05/08
Occasionally his ’slagging off’ has been spot on though; on the photography task, the much derided step back from responsibility (until out of the room etc.) was, to my mind, a perfectly legitimate shirk from the practice of assigning nonsense titles, like 2nd in command, that serve no task purpose but do serve a boardroom one - where they become tripwires. So many teams waste time this way; by grappling with themselves before grappling with the task. And I thought Alex’s response was, after the leader that time had extolled his own suitability to lead by saying that ‘he has a mate who does photography and he knows about Single Lens Reflex cameras’, a perfectly understandable attempt to stay within arm’s reach of a life-jacket on a sinking ship. I also think that he didn’t disgrace himself in Morocco, while others did; if that doesn’t sound like too much of an endorsement then maybe it isn’t, I just don’t think he’s as bad as number 8 out of 8; that is all.
Comment by Benjamin Knight — 15/05/08
Is Alex the most fancied by you ladies? I thought it was now Lee after seeing him on the cover of numerous ok mags
Comment by adam — 15/05/08
Well I don’t know what the general feminine consensus is but I do know girls who screech about him every Thursday morning. The kinds of girls who might buy a red sparkly wedding dress, in fact. I call them dum dums. I can see how Lee might have a certain charisma but essentially it just consists of two catchphrases. The real ladies’ man has to be Nick Heuer. His blank expression makes me weak at the knees.
Comment by Emma — 15/05/08
That’s brilliant!!! He is a legend. and Margaret is a fox!
I am surprised there wasn’t any more controversy over her comment last week when she said ‘Edinburgh isn’t what it used to be’ – hilarious and must I say very daring on national TV!
Comment by adam — 15/05/08
I’ve just noticed an apostrophe where there shouldn’t have been one in my first comment… unforgivable in a discussion of this series; I’m sorry.
Comment by Benjamin Knight — 15/05/08
Ben, I did notice but I forgave you because you held you hands up. Perhaps if we make you project manager of our next discussion you can prove there is more to you than Alex-bashing.
Adam, I agree, I was desperate for Edinburgh to issue a statement. On the other hand, they were probably trying to work out how they let him graduate.
Comment by Emma — 15/05/08
Why no one has has noted the fact that as well as being hideously conceited, lacking in common sense and education (Raef not withstanding) every one of these people is utterly incompetent is beyond me. I know that if they were capable in any way the show would be way less entertaining but to say the above bunch have more front than Southend is a disservice to British holiday making. Watching the photography task through my fingers (I do most weeks really) put the tin hat on it for me – I looked on with complete astonishment while several people try and fail to relieve a digital camera of its contents then try to out posture each other in the wake of this simple task within a task. I realised there and then that this show was much more than a jumped up Execu-Big Brother than I first thought. Incredible.
As much as I find Sir Alan repulsive to look at his steely eyed rantings do bring the show (and contestants) crashing back down to a sobering reality and give a lovely dénouement at the end of each episode.
PS – Sir Alan is very short and I think that bristly beard of his is hiding a nasty case of psoriases if you look closely. Explains a lot really.
Comment by Jody T — 15/05/08
Haha, although if I may correct you I was mostly Alex-defending not Alex-bashing. But yes… please give me a chance to show you what I can do, you won’t regret it; this opportunity means everything to me; I am your apprentice.
Comment by Benjamin Knight — 15/05/08
Ben, I hold my hands up. I’ll give 110% in next week’s task. Thanks for the opportunity. etc
Comment by Emma — 15/05/08
Jody that is hilarious, he does look very short and I agree about the beard. I think that is why he never b*****s Alex or Lee for not shaving. Surely a man of Al’s stature would insist on a clean shave!?
Comment by adam — 15/05/08
alan really is teeny tiny. sometimes when you look close enough when he fires people you can see his booster seat…i’m not trying to make a hilarious quip, seriously…
Comment by Hollie — 21/05/08
Ha, now what? Looks like Lucinda’s possibly gonna go next week judging by the trail, making this list the kiss of death. Alex’ll probably win now.
I watched the match first of all; defying the commentators who said it would be difficult for neutrals to pick, by choosing Chelsea (I am from Essex after all). Part of me is glad to see that telling Mourinho “you’re fired” has yet to be rewarded. But yeah… it was one of those nights when the distance between you and what’s happening on the telly felt realistic; i.e. massive. And the thing was just un-influence-able, save for volume and channel.
Raef did make all the classic ad task mistakes. It’s a real shame. And what about Lee’s presentation! Females are a genre!? Not a gender? Is that ever how you would describe yourself Emma?
Comment by Benjamin Knight — 22/05/08
Benjamin, I’m feeling mightily guilty for putting the hex on Raef.
You’re right about him making the classic mistakes, though - it was a flashback to the first series task when they had to create a campaign for Sir Alan’s CD changer and Paul Torrisi copped a bollocking for barely featuring the thing. Claire evidently remembered that, when she implored Raef to restore the “vulgar” pack shot.
Still, Cheryl Cole would have bought those tissues, so some consolation for Team Raef.
Comment by Chris Hughes — 22/05/08
I think the whole female genre joined me in a collective girlie yelp at that point. Their advert was hilarious too – the woman’s face as she stood at the door!
Man U are jammy bastards. You just knew as soon as Anelka stood up that it wasn’t going in.
Comment by Emma — 22/05/08
I was bombarded by texts from female friends ‘absolutely gutted’ by Raefs departure, outpouring’s of grief not seen since the disbanding of Take That - is Arena planning to setup a ‘Raef crisis’ counselling hotline?
Comment by Anonymous — 23/05/08