Washing is over-rated

Monday evening, as I’m sure you’re aware, was excessively hot. And I was at a gig. In a pub’s back room sans air conditioning or windows. With a lot of other people and apparently no regard for fire regulations. Overheated, intoxicated bodies writing around to the music. It was great for the atmosphere, just not for the smell. Which was a potent mixture of beer and spirits and sweat. Predominantly sweat.

You might think that’s kind of disgusting. Well, my friend Jo didn’t. In fact, she was absolutely in her element. She was just sidling up to boys we know and taking in great big lungfuls of it. Jo, you see, loves the smell of men. Not Cool Waters, or Brut, but proper musky, natural, not washing quite as much as your mother would like you to, man smell. She’s adamant it makes you more masculine and attractive. I was kind of dubious about this theory whilst wedged in the arm pit of some indie lothario, but in more diluted environment of the benches outside, I started to see her point.

All the hot boys, the really cool ones, the Johnny Depps, and Noel Fieldings and Strokes of this world, they’re all one sponge bath short of a hygiene routine. Even Daniel Craig looks disinterested in showering when he’s not trussed up on the red carpet. And come to think of it, all the men who do look like they’re on good terms with soap and water, the likes of Peter Andre, Kanye West and Orlando Bloom, have significantly less sex appeal.

Slightly grubbier people have always been cooler, I’ve never been in doubt about that, Laurence Olivier was undeniably a spectacular actor, but compared with Marlon Brando he was a bit of a square. (And it works for women too, Doris Day vs Marilyn Monroe for instance). I had just never realised before how important a bit of a natural scent can be when attracting members of the opposite sex. And having had a bit of a think, I’ve narrowed it down to the fact that washing sparingly says the following about you:

You don’t care what people think, which makes you cooler than those who are trying to exfoliate and moisturise themselves into social acceptance.

You are not some sort of compulsive freak repelled by your own humanity. (This is important when it comes to sex. Which should on no account be clean and clinical.)

You are very attractive and do not feel you need to over-egg the visual pudding by scrubbing and polishing it.

You go to lots of riotous parties and clubs where one is likely to become dirtied by sweat and alcohol and other staining substances. Popularity is an attractive quality.

You are an artistic, bohemian individual and do not wish to sterilise this by washing. Because frankly, no one dreams of shagging an over pressed accountant.

You belong to either the upper or working class, which frankly are the only fun ones. Washing is the practice of the bourgeoisie.

There is obviously, a point of no return. You don’t want to end up smelling like a tramp. And a daily splash of Allure for Men definitely doesn’t go amiss. But I really think girls prefer boys who are a little grimey round the edges and don’t drown their natural phermones in a sea of Lynx, Herbal Essences and liberally applied St Tropez. And given that that saves you time and money, I think that’s pretty good news.