Manchester United versus Chelsea in the Champions League final then. First things first: huge apologies to the good people of Moscow. When the Russian powers that be gave the OK for Luzhniki Stadium to host the game, they no doubt had a glorious festival of football in mind: the cosmopolitan teams of, say, Barcelona and AC Milan fighting it out on the pitch, cheered on by their beautiful, cultured and well-coiffured fans. Instead they’re stuck with a load of Manc scallies and West London chavs being sick all over Red Square and shinning up the Kremlin’s drainpipes to steal lead from the roof (that’s based on the dubious assumption that the Kremlin has a lead roof - or even drainpipes for that matter - which I must confess is not something I’ve looked into that closely.)

How likely are you to be kidnapped in Britain? How about if you travel on business? We strapped Tony Teasdale into a chair and shone a torch into his eyes until he came up with the answers.

I’m of the unpopular opinion that the the Cadbury’s drumming gorilla advert was rubbish. Man in ape suit sits about for a full minute, apparently ‘in the zone’, drums thirty second opening bars to early ’80s hit. Fade to title. Hardly worth 1,000 tribute videos on YouTube and an advert of the year award, is it?

It is our belief that there are two types of people in this world: Mac users and people who wish they were Mac users but won’t admit it. Often the sad, bitter characters in the latter category attempt to bring you down by complaining of not being able to open things you’ve sent them. Well, no more! A new version of Microsoft Office for Mac offers greater file fidelity and compatibility. Giddy with possibility, we’re giving away five copies of the software, plus an Apple laptop for one lucky winner/former Mac wannabe.

Do you remember that German guy who answered an ad for a young man who wanted to be eaten, and then ate his own fried cock before being finished off? And then there was that whole legal battle because the guy who did it said it was euthanasia, not murder? Kerry Katona reminded me of him today.

There’s only one week to go before Grand Theft Auto IV drops, and Chanel maestro Karl Lagerfeld is making a special guest appearance in it. Yes, you heard right. Simon Helyar previews the action.

Following news that O2 and the Carphone Warehouse have reduced the price of the iPhone to £169, Tony Teasdale offers some words of wisdom on how to use one. And how not to.