I hate Setanta

Listening to the England fans chanting “We hate Setanta” the other week, I couldn’t help but agree.

Because I’m rapidly developing a serious antipathy to Setanta, too. Not because the sports channel has bagged the rights to England’s matches, however, but because they’re charging me £12 a month to listen to the most miserable football pundit in the history of television.

The man in question is Craig Burley, the one-time Chelsea and Scotland midfielder, now employed as co-commentator on Setanta’s Premier League coverage. And he’s ruining my football-watching life.

There are a few good things about Setanta. Like the legendary James Richardson, the man responsible for lines like “George Michael wasn’t the only cottager to have a rough time of it over the last couple of days,” and the lovely Rebecca Lowe, the fearless touchline reporter on Blue Square Premier matches, grilling the manager of Forest Green Rovers about his rapidly disintegrating defensive formation as his team lets in a third.

But none of that can make up for the cheerless presence of Burley. It’s like sitting next to the bloke who doesn’t stop moaning for 90 minutes. The bloke who grumbles about his club’s players, the away team, the referee (especially the referee), the weather, the pitch, the ball and his half-time pie, from kick-off to final whistle. The trouble is, I seem to be sitting next to him every Saturday evening.

I know there have been some rubbish co-commentators in the past. Kevin Keegan regularly spouted nonsense during his partnership with Brian Moore on ITV (”There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight!”) but at least he was enthusiastic. David Pleat can barely pronounce his own name, let alone Yossi Benayoun’s, but he plainly knows his stuff.

It doesn’t help that Burley’s contributions are delivered in Scottish tones eerily reminiscent of Private Frazer from Dad’s Army. I’m beginning to expect him to respond to an innocent question about, say, West Brom’s chances of staying in the Premier League by howling “they’re dooooomed!”

It’s getting to the point where I don’t think he even likes football. It might sound ridiculous, but not once does he express any sort of joy or wonder at what he’s watching. If he’d been commentating on the 1970 World Cup, he’d have snorted with derision at Pele’s crazed attempt to score from the halfway line. If he’d been commentating on Maradona’s second against England in 1986, he’d have spent the next 15 minutes dissecting Terry Fenwick’s positioning.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got no problem with pundits being direct and critical. The alternative, after all, is Mark Bright-style blandness. But it sounds to me like Burley has looked at the success of Andy Gray on Sky Sports and has decided to replicate his hypercritical approach to co-commentary, but removed of all personality, generosity or praise.

During the Arsenal v Hull City match on Saturday, for instance, the referee played half a dozen good advantages without getting any credit, but the first time he failed to play one, Burley was straight on his back.

And worst of all, he’s got the old pro’s ‘I know best’ attitude. During the Man City v Chelsea match the other week, he berated the ref for sending off John Terry for rugby tackling Jo, repeatedly insisting it couldn’t have been a red card offence because Carvalho had been the “last man”. Despite the fact that the “last man” rider was removed from the Laws of the Game a few seasons back.

It’s not too late, though, if you’re reading this, Setanta. Bin Burley and find a replacement fast. I hear Kevin Keegan’s not doing much at the moment.