Stop wine-ing, Fergie

So, there’s absolutely no way Liverpool can win the Champions League. We know this because Sir Alex Ferguson, whose team has already been eliminated, has said so.

“I told [AC Milan] manager Carlo Ancelotti at the end of our semi-final that there is no way he cannot win it now,” he explained. This was surprisingly gracious of Ferguson – if United lose a domestic game, it is usually because the other team cheated (witness the weekend’s allegations that Mourinho “pressured” FA Cup referee Steve Bennett).

But then, it seems, even football’s greats can be got on side with a nice bottle of Ernst & Julio Gallo Turning Leaf Zinfandel. “Carlo gave me a magnificent bottle of wine,” the Premiership’s purplest nose confides. “But I immediately told him there is no point in giving such a wonderful gift if he then fails in the final. In fact, I told him I would only drink his wine once I see him lifting the Champions Cup.”

Even Rafael Benitez has virtually handed Ferguson a corkscrew – stating that he could “see why” his rival would back Milan. Surely a Keegan-style “luvvit” speech would have been more appropriate?

I would certainly luvvit if Liverpool could do it tonight. Don’t get me wrong, this is not about liking them especially; I just hate Ferguson. I want to see him crying over an unopened bottle of wine. So good luck, Liverpool – I’ll be drinking to you, and to wiping the smile off that smug, veiny face.